Sunday, December 12, 2004

What the Hell is Going on?

First there was Dodgeball. Then, televised Poker. Now, ladies and gentlemen, meet the latest entry in America's newest sorry ass excuse for a sport craze:

First things first. Dynamite is banned. Verboten. Does paper snuff wick? Or does it burn? Too ambiguous. Make a hitchhiker fist during a serious game of Rock Paper Scissors, and you'll be laughed out of the room.

Which brings us to the second point: There are, in fact, serious games of Rock Paper Scissors.

Yes, you read that correctly. Of course no "sport' would be complete without its champions:

Mr. Simmons speaks from experience. A 33-year-old body piercer from the District, he is better known as Master Roshambollah, perhaps the most feared Rock Paper Scissors player in the world. Fear being a relative term.

"(M)ost feared Rock Paper Scissors player in the world"? Dear God, I thought my life was pathetic.

Long regarded as the civilized way of settling life's thorniest conundrums — such as who pays for the next round — Rock Paper Scissors is evolving into something else entirely: a genuine, bona fide, almost legitimate sport, sans the towel doffing, fan pummeling and steroid injecting common to its more celebrated peers.

The World Rock Paper Scissors (RPS) Society — yep, there's one of those, too — boasts 2,200 members. The winner of this year's world championship was honored with a parade at Disney World. Simon & Schuster recently published an official strategy guide.

A strategy guide? For Rock, Paper, Scissors? If it's gotten this bad, I'm afraid we all know what's coming next:

"We're talking to studios about an RPS movie, like 'Dodgeball' but better," said Matti Leshem, a Los Angeles-based producer who oversaw the Fox Sports Net segment. "There are all kind of things that appear to be boring on TV at first blush, like blackjack or poker. This is much more interesting."

"(M)uch more interesting." Oookay. Sure it is, whatever you say...

The article in question is from the December 10 Washington Times. I highly recommend reading it in its entirety, if you dare.

(Link courtesy of Captain's Quarters)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is too bad you mock the intricate and spellbinding game of RPS. Perhaps you need a lesson from the Master himself. Rock Paper Scissors is a true test of wills a challenge where the weak perish and the strong survive. Through detailed analysis of hundreds of RPS matches I believe that I myself may be able to attempt my own march up to the upper echelons of RPS players.
The key is intense concentration coupled with lightning-quick reflexes. This melding of mind and body into a nearly simultaneous action is one of the great struggles in attaining mastery of the great game.
Most great players will follow the teaching method known as "The Way of the Hand". In summary the key is to focus on various areas of hand motion. Often a player of weak standing will unconsciously "show his cards". A slight protrusion of the middle and index fingers in the closed hand indicates scissors to be. A rather weakly formed fist held at a slight angle often portends Paper and a player who inteds Rock will often be swinging his fist in a very clenched manner during the swings with each swing of the fist a very small almost imperceptible clenching of the fist will occur.
Of course all these things are so absolutely suttle as to be completely imperceptible by beginners such as yourself.
The very best competitors need to be tremendously disclipined. Many have spoken of the almost Zen-like meditative state of the great masters of the game.
Perhaps with many months of study of this the "Great Game" you will begin to fully appreciate all that for now you are unable to comprehend.

11:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some get it and others who don't rail against it in their largely ignored blogs.

2:14 PM  

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